The Collaborative was privileged to have Dale address the February Breakfast Meeting at Mosaic Clubhouse as part of a presentation about Lambeth’s drug and alcohol service. Here in his own words he relates his powerful story …
My name is Dale and I am a recovering addict, alcoholic, with a diagnosis of anxiety, depression, and complex PTSD. Today I am a grateful service user of Lorraine Hewitt House, Lambeth’s drugs and alcohol service, and the Harbour Recovery Centre where I am a peer mentor.
My life was blighted from the age of two when I was placed in care; I was told it was for lack of accommodation space due to being in a large family. I left at the age of five, and was introduced to a family that was alien to me in a new home, it was a complete change of environment from what I was used to.
Physical punishment started from day one as I basically could not do anything for myself. It started with the belt and the weapons got more severe as I grew older.
I started to rebel against these injustices. I used to get up early, sneak out of the flat, and help the milkman on his rounds, getting a beating when I returned.
I started school at around five and I felt safe there. I would stay in school for as long as possible, but I was not good at school. I could not understand any of the work that we did nor relate to the curriculum. I would start my day in school, have dinner as that would have been my only meal for the rest of the day and then bunk off the afternoon with a friend – we would either ride the buses or underground and seek adventure up the west end of London coming home well late and of course getting punished. There was no stimulation at home, the TV was monopolised by my older siblings as well as the sofas, so I was sitting on the concrete floor most of the time.
Trauma
Around the age of seven I came home late one night and climbed up the drain pipe – my usual mode of entry. My brother had told my parents that I was at the window, they in turn told him to let me in. I went straight to bed and about 15 minutes later I heard a voice calling my name. I tried to play dead, but I got dragged out by my feet, thrown against the dresser and abused. It happened again the next night… from that day I have hated my parents for one, sending a strange man to my room to punish me and 2, for not protecting me. The first night I screamed the house down and that night I realised that ‘I am by myself’ as nobody came to rescue me, and that became the theme of my life. The next day I ran away from home, only to the flats across the grass where my friends lived. That night I slept in a car infested with mice and rats, but I felt safer there than at home.
I was placed in a boarding school in Norfolk as I was deemed maladjusted as I couldn’t read or write at the age of 10. I was still being punished but more on a psychological level as well as physical… when the psychological did not work, once again school was my safe place. I spent two-and-a-half years there and after that I was moved to a senior school in Suffolk, where I lasted 18 months and was expelled because I was fighting most days. I then went to an assessment centre in Surrey, leading to a community school in Dartford, again I got expelled for fighting, and I finished my schooling in Grays, Essex where I excelled at sport. I was also in the care of the London Borough of Sutton.
Locked up
Within a year of leaving school, I was jailed for four years and ended up in Aylesbury. I had long bouts of darkness but didn’t recognise the emergence of depression, I was released after two-and-a-half years, finding out that my parents had divorced with no provisions for my welfare. I think that was the first time I felt vunerable having now to fend for myself unprepared.
Drugs were now a part of my life as it eased the symptoms of my past trauma, of which I could not explain; alcohol also played a big part as it enabled me to black out and kill the day if it became too painful to manage.
I had a variety of jobs as well as being on the revolving door of the justice system. My twenties passed by in a flash, and my substance use increased, as my mental health deteriorated. I would lash out and fight when I got annoyed, as I was never taught conflict resolution, so I did not know how to resolve my issues.
In 1998, everything imploded on me, my umpteen relationships failed after starting so positively, I lost a good job through my behaviour and addictions, and now my mental health… all my dreams and goals went up in smoke, my life spiralled into darkness and the abyss of full blown addiction, alcoholism and heavy depression and total isolation by choice. I was ashamed of myself, my life-choices and felt like a complete failure in everything that I undertook, so the easiest thing for me to do was stay home and get stoned, smoke crack and drink. I had a stabilising period in Springfield hospital and a lengthy prison sentence, where I just seemed to get worse
Lockdown
My change in attitude came with lockdown. I was in temporary accommodation where I had a cocaine dealer, brothel and a weed dealer living beneath me. I hated the way that the dealers would befriend me and at the end of the month I was handing my benefits over to them so I started to rebel, refusing to buy their drugs. I managed to get allocated a council flat and vowed new flat new start. I re-engaged with Lambeth drug and alcohol services, first doing a community detox and this time I knew it was time to surrender and get my life on track. I was assessed as needing therapy, and I was allocated Luke, whom I got on with straight away… he was the first man I felt in my life I trusted as I knew that this man can help me, I just had good instincts about this man and he had an assurance about him.
He took me through my life and we talked, and he explained my feelings toward traumatic events, where an understanding and acceptance were gained, I also rejoined AA where I have a sponsor , a former musician and worldly knowledgeable man who guided me through the 12-step program alongside the counselling I was receiving; a combination of the two gave me a greater understanding of myself and my coping mechanisms (Defects). At six months clean I became a peer mentor at the Harbour having spent two years learning structure and routine and doing more work on myself and learning about recovery.
My life emerges
Fast forward to today, I sit here writing this story nearly three years clean and sober. I have volunteered for the past 18 months with a substance misuse service where I have learnt new skills and am now applying for paid positions in that field. I am secretary at fellowship meetings and I am supporting someone through the 12- step program. I live independently with my dog Banjo who has taught me patience, tolerance, forgiveness, loyalty, but most of all how to be responsible, not only for myself, but for him as every day I have to think of his wellbeing, health and his exercise.
This is the end of my story, my mental health and my life is now in balance. I live in the present, and the past no longer affects what happens today; it is how I deal with the issue.
I would like to give a big thank you to Dawn, Manager at The Harbour, Luke, Dr. Kelleher and all those who have been part of my recovery journey and getting me to where I am today with love, kindness and perseverance, I thank you all for your patience, guidance and direction, but most of all your belief in me and what you are doing.
Getting help in Lambeth for drug and alcohol use
The Lambeth Drug and Alcohol Service is free and supports adults who live in the Borough
You can refer yourself through the website or ask a health professional to make the referral for you: www.lambeth-drug-alcohol.co.uk
Or you can phone and make an assessment appointment by calling 0203 228 1500
Or you can walk into the main service: Lorraine Hewitt House, 12-14 Brighton Terrace, London, SW9 8DG and request an appointment
The service also works with many of the GPs in the Borough so you may also be able to see a drug and alcohol worker at your local practice.
For further enquiries email: LambethAddictionReferrals@slam.nhs.uk or call the number above.
The Harbour
The Harbour forms part of the wider Lambeth Drug and Alcohol Treatment Consortium supporting people in their ongoing recovery from problematic substance use. It delivers a range of interventions including a comprehensive group programme and one – one support. It has an active peer mentor team that also supports Lorraine Hewitt House.
For more information contact 0207 095 1980 or Email dbrecken@lambeth.gov.uk
And you can read more about the Harbour and its10th birthday here
Name has been changed.
Everyone is welcome at Lorraine Hewitt House in Brixton and the Harbour, Loughborough Junction, which recently celebrated its 10th birthday.